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How to Win the Break-up

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If day time television has taught us anything it’s that when a relationship crumbles there is almost always a definite winner and a definite loser. This isn’t a thing where it’s all a matter of opinion, in a common break-up there is a winner and a loser, and no one wants to be the loser; trust me.

So, the winner: Usually (but not always) the person who initiated the break-up, The one who gets on with their life, the one who somehow managed to get sexier.

The loser: The person who breaks down crying, the one who seems “Obsessive”, the one who tries desperately to get the other person to love them again, the one who gets pity looks by everyone.

But how do you win? It’s not that complicated once you gather a level head and think things through. Many people seem to think that the opinion of their Ex helps them win or lose. That’s incorrect, it’s the opinion of others and most importantly your own opinions that help you get through. You’re broken up, their opinion doesn’t (or shouldn’t) matter anymore, and if it does that’s what leads to the obsession mentioned above.

It may sound shallow, but look good. Strike that, don’t look good, look like the orgasmic sex-beast you are! Get a hair-cut. Guys, wear shirts. And girls, don’t be afraid to wear that push up bra. Most importantly, posture posture posture – I can not stress that enough. You want to walk past people with that confident stride and have them think “Day-um, *Insert name here* was really holding them back!”

Getting another boyfriend/girlfriend does not help you win the break-up faster, in fact sometimes it does just the opposite. Kissing strangers will seem “petty” and any relationship entered will be swiftly cast aside as a simple rebound. That being said, flirt to your pretty hearts content. Just be sure not to accidentally crush someone while doing it, make sure you make it well know you have no intention of pursuing a relationship (or even getting laid, it won’t help you in the long run) basically don’t be a dick and you should be fine. Harmless flirting is a way to boost your confidence while simultaneously giving you the time you need to heal, because ultimately getting a boyfriend/girlfriend right away is never good, It may help you win the initial break-up, but not the over all one… but I’ll get to that.

If you must see them, act civil. If you are one of those insane people who think ex’s can be friends, be friends, no trying to make them jealous you hear? I think the most important rule here is to try your best to not have them affect your daily life, and if you must talk, to avoid talking about relationships as a general rule. You may think “So, are you seeing anyone?” or “I’m in a happy relationship now” is just normal, polite conversation but you’ll just seem petty.

Embarrassing personal time (YAY!): I lost the break-up. I was a mess, in tears constantly, alienated myself from my friends by a plastic bubble of my own sadness. I lost a third of my body weight (Which people were complementing me for and it’s like, seriously? I weighed 6 stone, that’s not healthy! This is how people with eating disorders are allowed to continue on so long, they lose all their fat and get bloody compliments! Sorry, it just bothers me, luckily for me it was nothing like that) and I just did stupid things.

Fast-forward a couple of years onwards and I have people saying how as a person I’m so much better now, but it doesn’t matter. I still lost the break-up. You can’t win after you’ve lost, especially when you lost as badly as I did….. but not all hope is lost, you can win the second battle (Yes I know I just contradicted myself there), hear me out. Winning the second battle (and over all, the whole break-up) can only be done if you haven’t seen the person in years, a lot of people don’t get this opportunity. The difference is, it’s a lot easier to fake to the world you have won the first break-up, but to win the over all break up I think you generally need to be in a better place. You can’t fake having beautiful kids and a high paying job; well, you can, but it’s certainly not worth the risk, if you got caught out there’s no chance in hell you could win then.

So, there we go. Win the break-up. You’ll feel so much better for it by making this your goal when going through one yourself. No “Getting him/her back”, no “Getting laid”, no “Begging to not be rejected again”, just say to yourself “I’m going to win this thing, I’m going to prove to myself and others that I can”. You can be losing inside maybe, but if you try your best and hold you head up high- You will be the real winner. The one who didn’t send that crazy drunken text, the one who will get through. If you keep telling yourself “I will win this” odds are, you probably will.

Of course, if you’re not going through a break-up now all that was probably irrelevant, but at least now you know my views on the matter; Feel free to agree/disagree with me all you want.


About saoirse

A young adventurer like yourself.


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