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How to Win at Drinking

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Anyone who drinks has had at least one of those nights. You know what type of night I’m discussing here; the one where you drink too fast and too much, the one where you wake up in all your clothes with the feeling of scratchy vomit tickling the back of your throat, the one where you have that disgusting after-taste of smoke in your mouth (When you don’t smoke). Yes we’ve all been there and if you haven’t; give it time. Who knows though, maybe you can be one of those rare individuals who manages to go their entire life drinking while at the same time managing to never have a night where you throw your shame out the window like it’s a moldy banana at the bottom of your bag.

Perhaps it’s where I live why these nights are so common amongst the youth. I live in Ireland. People drink. A lot. Is it good? Probably not, but every country has it’s flaws, I’d rather live in a country that goes a bit over board on the celebratory drinking than one that decides to drug up anyone for any reason (*Cough* America *Cough*)

The concept of winning at drinking is really quite simple. Don’t make a complete fool of yourself, don’t get yourself in any harmful situation, don’t end up depressed and start crying to that person who rejected your advances (or something along those lines…), don’t throw up and most importantly – avoid having that hangover.

Of course these things are a lot easier said than done. I guess the only real way to win at drinking is to be able to go out and have a good night without the whooshing side effects that alcohol contributes. In fact I’d be all in favor for that! Go out, don’t drink, but have fun! Personally I’m not much of a drinker, when I do I have fun, and when I don’t I also have fun. Have I sometimes gone a tad overboard? Of course I have, I’ve been a teenager in the Irish city centre. Living in Ireland means the advice of abstinence goes down as well as a glass of UCT milk.

 If you want to get drunk, here are some tips to get drunk, the right way, where you still do fun silly things, but nothing to completely tear down people’s moral opinions of you. Where it’s still a slight hazy blur, but you remember (and didn’t throw up or pass out! WIN) and most importantly where you get absolutely locked but have the most minimalistic hangover possible.

 Inconceivable! You say (because you may have recently watched ‘The Princess Bride’) but there are ways, a few tricks I have learnt over the years and some that have been passed down by relatives.

 We’ll start from the beginning (which I hear is a very good place to start), before you even begin drinking. This is a phase many people over look, or do automatically without even realizing it. You’ve got to psyche yourself out for the night. Alcohol will intense whatever mood you’re in, if you go out kind of “meh, we’ll see where the night goes” you’ll end up in danger of being that depressed drunk (nay fun). Instead, no matter where you’re going, get your mind super pumped “I’m going to go out! And I’m going to get drunk! Not too drunk though, good drunk and I’m going to have so much fun!” you most likely will have a fantastic evening; I know personally this has never failed for me. Also, pro-tip, think of all the stupid things you could do (e.g., desperately talking to your ex, slapping and yelling at that girl you hate, kissing someone you shouldn’t etc etc), I mean all of them. Mentally preparing yourself isn’t just about getting yourself in a good mood and excited for the evening, its about understanding what social situation you are entering and what you should not do, before you start drinking say to yourself all the thing’s you are NOT going to do, with emphasis on the word not.

 Oh, and eat, I’m sick of people refusing to eat much before they go out because they won’t have to spend as much to get tipsy. Yeah you’ll get drunk quicker, but you are also more likely to get ill. Eat your carbohydrates like, don’t be a dope.

 So, now what? You’re pumped up, you smell like some luscious Arabian princess/prince and you have just the right amount of gel in your hair. You’re ready to go out. But drinks! From experimentation in the past you should be aware what alcohol agrees with your more than others so I’m not going to go in on the details about all that, I’m not going to tell your what to drink, but I do have two rules for you.

 One, don’t drink beer and cider. I learnt this the hard way and then the concept of a snakebite (half beer half cider with some black current on top) was explained to me, and it all made sense. These two drinks ferment in your stomach getting you drunker throughout the night without you even being aware of it. Some people can handle the snakebite, and it’s a good way to be a cheap date, but in my opinion just have beer and cider as far away from each other as possible on a night out.

 And two, beer and whiskey, pretty risky. Whiskey and beer never fear. A little rhyme my mother said to me with basic principals; start off with the drinks with the highest alcohol content and end with the weaker ones. After you already have alcohol in your system, you are not as able to determine the amount of alcohol consumed contrasted with tolerance. Wean down, don’t wean up. Trust me on this.

 Water, water water water water! Water is your best friend on a night out, don’t neglect water, water wants to love you, water cares about you, alcohol is just a cheap one night stand compared to water, but water understands, water cares, water will forgive you and be right there to fix the wounds that alcohol has caused on your poor dehydrated body. For every unit of alcohol consumed force (no matter what, force) yourself to drink at least a pint of water. “But won’t that make me have to pee a lot?” Yes. Most definitely, but I feel you’d find a few dozen trips to the bathroom is the much better option than hours of crippling pain the following day. Every time I have not done this are all the times I have ended up with a hangover. Also, in the morning, before you do anything else, the first thing you should do is consume as much water as humanly possible.

 Don’t get too drunk. Just have fun. Find out what type of drunk you are; if you are an aggressive/depressive/plain awful drunk then don’t drink. There are a good few people who just shouldn’t drink, you need to find out if you are one of these people early on and well… don’t drink. Sometimes to win at drinking is to acknowledge that you can’t win, and you beat alcohol by avoiding it, by not letting it beat you.

So, to paraphrase this as much as possible: Know your limits and drink water like it’s oxygen and you’re in a fish tank.

Ahhhhh, let’s just sit here for a moment and think about how much we all love H2O shall we? I don’t think people drink enough water these days as it is. Even if you’re not drinking alcohol you should try and boost your water intake. Basically, water’s great.


About saoirse

A young adventurer like yourself.

2 responses »

  1. I love this. I just shouldn’t drink!

  2. Pingback: How to Win at Kissing | A General Guide to Winning at Life


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