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How to Win at Kissing

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Kissing is perhaps one of the most important aspects of a relationship and why? Because you can tell so much from one kiss; the chemistry between two people becomes so abundantly clear. Would a bad kisser be a deal-breaker for me? Probably, I know that may sound awful but let me explain; would I break up with someone because the first kiss was lousy do to nerves? No, but I have to feel something there. It’s like this: Kissing is fun, I at least want the other person to enjoy going about this playful game with me, I want them to be wiling to make playful compromises between our varying kissing styles, I want us to break away with a smile after each kiss. I think everyone deserves that in a relationship. It’s chemistry; you got it or you don’t, and if you don’t, trying to force it will get you nowhere. You don’t need experience to feel those tingles.

In regards to the actual kissing technique (putting mental and physical attraction aside) I’ve always felt it’s actually far more difficult to be a bad kisser than a good kisser (and extremely easy to be a mediocre one). Kissing is completely natural, so it’s when you over think it is when you are in danger. Following a technique won’t work, you just need to do what feels right. Being an OK kisser mainly means following the other persons lead, you may not enjoy the kiss but at least the other person won’t not enjoy it. But simply being ‘okay’ isn’t ‘winning’ now is it?

You win at kissing by enjoying it. Not by over thinking it. You know what you like; do that. Maybe you don’t know what you like, then experiment, it’s all fun and with the right person the occasional little hic-up really means nothing so relax, if you are afraid of being shit let them teach you, if they’re shit teach them (either subtly or bluntly) I find by holding their face you can generally control the kiss to your liking. Personally, I feel people focus too much on the tongue. Kissing is all about the lips, the varying pressure, the playful tugs, the little nibbles, and the light suction; use your tongue as an added joyful accessory. In short, use your tongue as an aphrodisiac, not a weapon. (By “Not a weapon” I mean don’t use your tongue as a knife by stabbing your “Victim” to death in the mouth). Also, please, please- keep your eyes closed (although it is ok to open them just for a second  to make sure the other person is enjoying the kiss, then right back down them eyes go), I feel I shouldn’t even have to say that.

The only time you should kiss a drunk person is if you are also drunk. Drunk people will enjoy kissing no matter what so generally tend to kiss more aggressively and sloppily. If you’re drunk too, that’s grand go for it! You’ll probably enjoy it, but if you’re not drunk, you’ll just be pissed off your significant other (or some lad/lass) is trying to eat your face when you’re trying to discuss the latest episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ (or whatever it is you young crazy kids are watching these days). Drunk = “RAWR I’MA DOG AND I’M GONNA TRY AND LICK YOUR TONSILS SO YOU’LL SLEEP WITH ME” (Pro tip: Some people are like this sober too… Don’t be that person. Ever.)

A good little  ”game” I like to play is to see who can last the longest without kissing. It’s a great boost to your confidence knowing someone can’t resist you, they won’t always pick up it’s a game, but when they do it can be even more fun! It’s good because even when you lose, you still win. That being said I always win. I did, however, come across a man who was just as competitive as me. “I know what you’re doing, and it won’t work” he said to me “I’m very competitive” it took a good half-hour of teasing before I got that bloody kiss but after I did it was amazing because of the build up, also the fact that I won. (Putting that out there, I did win) Admittedly, it was the first time I had to be properly strategic and use mind games as opposed to straight up playful teasing, but I couldn’t let him beat me now could I?

“When life gives you lemons make lemonade”, there’s another expression similar to that but far useful “When life gives you the perfect cinematic kiss setting, for the love of god take it or you will regret it for at least ten years” so, if you by any chance find yourself on a beach at sunset with someone you like and who likes you back: Kiss. If sitting on a bench late at night after staying up talking and flirting when suddenly that firework display that you forgot was happening starts: kiss. If slow dancing for any sort of occasion and it feels right: just kiss. If on a row boat gently being moved across a river and some smooth red crap named Sebastian is singing romantic music: KISS! Get the picture? You should, it’s a fairly simple picture. As far as schooling goes, it’s a pretty basic lesson.

Put your hands up if you’ve seen the ever-so charismatic Will Smith film ‘Hitch’. Is your hand up? Those who’ve seen it may recall the famous scene in which our Hitch states that you go in 90% of the way for the kiss, and allow her (or him) to go the other 10%. That’s a good rule, catching someone by surprise will give you the shock factor, but it may also give you a few bruises, be it physically or on your ego. Of course, when it comes to initiating the kiss all you need is eye contact. Really don’t want to kiss someone? Don’t look them in the eye. Simple. If they kiss you anyway, well then they are obviously shit at picking up signals and don’t respect your personal space and you’re going to have to be as blunt as possible about your feelings towards them.

From a young age I’ve always been paranoid about bad breath, perhaps it’s because I’ve always personally been a little OCD with my own oral hygiene habits. When I first got a boyfriend I managed to convince him that I simply “Always have mints” the same way I “Always carry round a bottle of water” so when our first kiss (and all the kisses after that) came I could be safe in the knowledge that we both had minty fresh breath. To this day I still don’t know if he realizes that habit only started because of him (and ceased soon after our demise), as our relationship matured I was simply too embarrassed to tell him. Always having mints or some gum handy is a pretty good thing to do to ensure you are always kiss prepared. Of course just masking your stinky-ass breath isn’t good enough; drink lots of water too! (see  https://saoirseo.wordpress.com/2013/06/23/how-to-win-at-drinking/ in which I discuss the amazing element that is water) And if you can, eat an apple, it neutralizes bad breath. Of course, mints don’t always work, for example: If you’ve both been drinking orange juice then there really is no need for a mint and it will just create a problem that wasn’t there before, just make sure that whatever you two have had  to eat and drink matches (e.g. if you both have coffee breath, it’s fine).

I suppose I’ve been quite lucky, I’ve had few genuinely ‘bad’ kisses. Excluding a few from my younger years (I suppose I should be fair, no one really had a clue what they were doing back then) and a few sloppy kisses from a drunk boyfriend, I’ve been quite lucky. Not that all my kisses have been amazing, most have been forgettable, but the good ones, the ones where each second is implanted into my brain, the ones where, no matter my history with this particular individual, still cause a smile to spill over my face, the ones where my brain was emptied and washed over with this clean sensation of tingling joy; those were purely magical.

I love kissing. I love playing off of the other person’s reaction. I love feeling the shocked filled joy sensation off the other person when I gently suck (or even nibble) someone’s lower lip. Personally I feel I win at kissing simply because I enjoy it. It is funny though isn’t it? How enjoyable us humans find kissing because when you think about it, it’s quite a disgusting thing. I’m a fussy eater and freak out at the idea of sharing an ice cream with someone but have absolutely no qualms in mushing my face with a cute boy and exchanging saliva manually. I read somewhere that in the dark you can sense and therefore find the other persons lips, like some magnetic pull. So there’s no need to worry, it doesn’t take Katniss Everdeen-esce aim to make sure you lock your target (look another pop-culture reference, I’m flying with these today). I will leave by saying this: kissing is amazing and seriously under-rated; kiss with joy, kiss with effort and most importantly, kiss like you mean it.

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About saoirse

A young adventurer like yourself.

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