There are some lucky people in the world who have not yet endured the very human experience that is giving another human being your whole heart and watching them not fully accept it, and then eventually throw it on the ground… This of course is the joy of being heartbroken.
Then there are others who experience this pain… possibly enter a state of depression but grow from it and then their next relationship is one that sticks, never having to experience that gut wrenching pain of unrequited love ever again.
And then there are those who get heartbroken another time after that, and again after that… and again and again and again.
I once saw a beautiful article about the second time you fall in love. I know it’s silly but when I was going through my first serious break-up it was one of the few things that gave me hope. There’s loads of articles about the first time you fall in love, about your first heartache, about falling in love for a second time… But not much about the second time your heart get’s ripped out of your chest, so let me write one.
The second time you get your heart broken… To put it blunty.. is shit. I mean, all break-ups are shit… But it’s shit, so we all agree; suddenly stopping a close connection with someone is shit.
It will feel strangely close to the first time, that deep sick sensation in your stomach, and the fiery pain in your lungs as you try to breath. When the pain kicks in that’s when there will be a quick succession of anger wrapped in denial. I mean… this is not happening.. Not after last time. You are so angry at yourself for putting yourself in a vulnerable position again, for being so quick to jump into love after months (and in some cases years) of getting over the initial heart ache. You’re angry at yourself because you thought you learned… when obviously you didn’t.. and now you’re here.. again… in pain.
After your body settles down, you realize you have to go through all the pain of getting over someone…again. Only, the odd thing is.. you know you will, you’re not left in the same sense of lost despair that you were the first time. You’ve done it before sure, you can do it again. It’s more, you’re not looking forward to it. You’re not looking forward to being used to being alone again, to finding ways to fill your spare time until the loneliness doesn’t kill you anymore, of having to yet again leave a comfort zone you only just found.
The first time your heart is broken, it’s a shock to your system, you’ve never dealt with this sort of pain, the second time is a shock as well, but it feels way more unfair. You know you’ll get over it though, which is nice, instead of entering a dark depression like last time, it’s more a brief while of painful agony. You know that you’ll be able to move on much quicker than you did the first time.
It hurts. It hurts like crazy. You wonder if you will every actually find a love that won’t leave you feeling the way you do.. and you start to question whether its worth it or not. There are a few different types of people in regards to relationships, some people have no bother being single and having one night stands and being content, and if they happen to fall in love, well that’s great too.
Me? I’m not one of those people, I wish I was BELIEVE me I wish I was. The truth is I am a relationship junkie, I give my heart away too easy to any beautiful person I feel a connection with, and then I end up hurt multiple times, back in a pathetic wailing state where my heart and tear ducts are just far too fatigued. I’m a hopeless romantic and maybe I view life as some big fantastic movie (being a drama student will do that to you) when it’s not. Life is just life, sometimes people stay together forever, sometimes you don’t.
The second time your heart get’s broken leaves you questioning fate. You’re scared… But hey, you got over it and fell in love again. So, it will be all right, at least, I sure do hope it will be.