RSS Feed

Category Archives: My Own Random Emotional Rants

I’m insane, and sometimes get upset and flustered, these posts are the results of that.

Emotional Relapse

Posted on

So, I finally took the time to completely clear out my room, it was a big task but it needed to be done. Half-way through sifting  through all my junk I found an old birthday card from my first- well- everything. It was for my 16th birthday. It’s an adorable, (slightly crappy looking) card written on lined paper with “Barry the Mildly Concussed Birthday Turtle” drawn in pencil. In general it’s cute and silly but in the “In all seriousness-s-s-s” section you can feel the love shining through In a selfish way, I’m happy that you were born, cuz I love you and you never fail to light up my life/day/me.

Needless to say, this brought back a lot of emotions. The painful kind, we’re talking tears, the twisting sensation running through all my organs, the desire to just scream, and not to mention the feeling of my brain pushing and cracking through my skull. I thought back to some of our more romantic days, back to little 14-16 year old me. And I wanted it back in a groundhog day like scenario.

The thing is, I used to feel that every god-damn day for about a year, and it upset me that I could be that upset, if that makes sense. It’s like now I’m hurting for  both my current and old self.

I take solice in that I’m not alone. Everyone has something they miss; be it childhood, a parent, a pet, an old friend, a feeling, or, if you’re like me, love. I feel somewhat silly sharing all this personal information, mainly because I chose not to make this blog anonymous so if you know who I am odds are you’ll know 100% who I am talking about, and I’m embarrassed; this should not still be an issue for me.

You see, I was doing great. For the first time in a long time I properly felt happy. I mean truly happy, sure I don’t know where I’m going in my life, but in a weird way I was finding that somewhat exciting. I was single but feeling good about it, I mean really feeling good about it, in fact I was half-way through writing “How to win at being Single” (maybe I’ll edit and post it when I’m feeling better) and it all hit me.

How do you know if you’re over something or someone? I mean I thought I was (or as close as one can get) but after what happened today I’m in doubt. I’m sure I am. No, I know I am, but when something strongly effects you it never completely goes away, you just have to make sure it doesn’t effect your normal every day life. You’ll still feel pain, but you’ll feel “Ok” too, and the spouts of pain become fewer and fewer but you’re still always in danger of a relapse of emotion.

It’s ok to relapse though, in anything, as long as at the end of the day you keep pushing forward. I guess it just became too easy and fate decided I needed to feel overwhelmed, that I needed to have a good cry, that I needed to feel unloved and worthless, just for a little bit.  There are moments we wish we can relive, and I guess pain of knowing we can’t must always follow.

It’s important to have hope, personally I feel hope is the most important thing one can have in life and usually it pays off. Negative thinking brings you nowhere but negitive places. Hope and excitement for the future is the life-force that allows humans to surive through the pain.

Sorry this article wasn’t very witty or well throught out, I’m still feeling pretty shook up, and although this is usually something I’d write about in my diary, I figured I should give this a go. I’ll be ok, I always am. I still feel like shit. But It’ll pass… at least I hope it will. I don’t know How long I’ll feel like this, maybe it’ll just be until I eat dinner, or maybe it will last a week, but I’ll feel the complete joy I was feeling even this morning again.

No matter what’s going on in your life odds are there’s something from your past that is painful, something that is irksome that it still bothers you; deep breath and try as hard to keep that spark of hope inside alive. I guess hope is kind of like a campfire in that sometimes it’s burning bright and you’re making smores and you’re just so toasty warm, but then it starts to die down sometimes, and you panic because you are so terribly afraid that it’s going to completely burn out because it’s getting cold and you’re running out of wood, but once you find some the fire builds up again.

Just don’t let the fire die.

Bread

Posted on

I love bread. I love a big fresh fluffy loaf of white bread. There are a handful of people who remind me of bread, right down to the innocent whiteness of the core. Theses people, like bread, have the potential to be so many nice and tasty things, all great, be it a lovely toasted Nutella sandwich or even part of the stuffing at Christmas dinner; there are so many paths for this bread to take, and all of them are just as good, and even if it chooses to take none, it is still fresh and plump and just smells amazing.

And then there are other people; these people are like the common bread mold, destroying the pureness that was once the loaf of bread. You can see it, yes you can see it, who ever your loaf of bread may be (or are, in my case as I have a few) you can visibly see this mold destroying them, making them worse and you want to cut it off. There’s a slight problem though, the only way to get rid of the mold is to hack off the part of the bread that it’s connected to, but the bread won’t let you do that.

The bread is content, sometimes the bread likes the mold there, it doesn’t understand the damage, and who are you to say something? You don’t fully understand the symbiosis going on here, if you speak up you’re basically some out-of-place bitch. No fancy metaphor here: you’re just a bitch.

Other times though, the bread does not like the mold there, in fact the bread may have various different types of mold; not all of them common and none of which it wants, but it’s scared. Scared of change, or maybe it wants to change and it just can’t. It can’t break free.

Visibly watching this mold take over more and more of the fresh bread, watching the potential and the freshness leave and the once pure white get over taken by the monstrous fungus; it’s upsetting, more than upsetting, it’s full on painful to watch. It’s disgusting and you’re watching this and you want to yell “GET THE FUCK OF MY BREAD” but you sit back and you bite your tongue.

At the end of the day, the bread allowed the mold to be there, if and when the bread really wants the mold to leave, then and only then can we help the bread to separate itself. In the mean time we should let the bread be moldy- even if it kills us inside. We should respect other people’s decisions and allow them to learn their own life-lessons, not have us force feed them down their throat.  The bread will be ok, and I guess all we can do is be compassionate when the bread asks and needs us to be. Sometimes bread gets moldy and that’s ok, it’s all part of life.

Grudges

Posted on

Holding grudges are something of a flaw in my personality, one that I have only recently come to terms with. I know now that holding grudges is puerile and essentially ineffective.

So, why do people bother holding grudges? It’s widely known how pointless the seething poison of a grudge really is. For my part, I wanted people to know I was hurt, that it wasn’t fair, I wanted justice. Which makes sense, if someone makes you suffer you think it’s only fair that they should deal with the consequences, even if they apologize- they still did it and the damage was still done, why should they get away scot free?

When it comes to holding a grudge people as a general rule have double standards. They find it hard to forgive and forget others and yet would profusely complain if someone were to bring back something egregious from their own past. I think it’s that very reason that made me focus in and do my best to get rid of my own personal grudges that I’ve held onto for far too long. If I feel I deserve a second chance, then I should start believing that others do too, after all, it’s only fair.

What if the other person isn’t really sorry? Then what? They don’t want a second change ergo I shall not give it to them; no one wins. They know you’re angry with them but it won’t really affect them. Apologies are nice but at the end of the day you’ve already decided if you are going to let go, and an apology won’t change that. If you’ve already decided to let go, an apology just confirms that idea at the back of your head and fills you with warmness; although ultimately pointless, it’s still important to apologize.

I’ve always struggled with the whole “Forgive and forget” thing, from a very young age. People have hurt me. And I can’t seem to just shake that off; in turn I am only really hurting myself more. I’m stuck being unable to trust, unable to truly be free. That’s what happens when you don’t forgive. The hatred bubbles up inside you and you aren’t really you. It’s easier, while at the same time being a million times harder, to just let go.

I’ll give you an example. Say you had a falling out with a friend and it’s gone past the point where you’re full on fighting with each other, just giving each other the cold shoulder with a side order of dagger eyes. It’s better for everyone if you just smile, act polite and try and have fun with them anyway, even if they hurt you in the past, whether they apologized or not, even if they still have a grudge against you, you’ll feel freer if you just let the whole incident breeze by and concentrate on the now. It’s a simple concept but people just can’t seem to do it!

I’m not just talking about small squabbles though, no, this whole forgive and forget thing goes far deeper than that. The saddest thing about the human trait of holding grudges is a lot of the time it’s with people we have no chance of ever seeing again, you let the effects of them stay as bitter memories and ruin your chance of creating joy in similar yet completely new situations.

I am going to tell you something that took me years to figure out; by holding a grudge you are ultimately damaging yourself. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure that out. Surely it’s obvious enough right? Recently I’ve been trying very hard to forget my own past, to forget the mistakes of not only others but also myself. I’m not going to lie, it’s fucking hard. And sometimes I fail, ok… I fail a lot. I find myself having sometimes-entire evenings tainted because I can’t focus on letting go. I can only focus on the “what if they haven’t changed?” and the “They still don’t like me” not to mention the “They have every reason not to” And so on and so forth.

But I’ll tell you, those brief moments when I do just focus on moving on and releasing the past, well, it’s beautiful. Hate gets you nowhere, neither does regret, nor sorrow. That isn’t saying you should completely forget. Learn from your experiences and become wiser but keep smiling and show nothing but kindness and fun and understanding to those who you struggle the most with.

I ask you to think about all I’ve said. Think of all your grudges and realize the damage it’s causing to you. I hope you will join me in my quest to forgive and forget, and if so congratulations and good luck because it’s not easy, but it’s worth it. You’ll be respected by others and generally live a happier life, now if that’s not a win I don’t know what is.