So, I finally took the time to completely clear out my room, it was a big task but it needed to be done. Half-way through sifting through all my junk I found an old birthday card from my first- well- everything. It was for my 16th birthday. It’s an adorable, (slightly crappy looking) card written on lined paper with “Barry the Mildly Concussed Birthday Turtle” drawn in pencil. In general it’s cute and silly but in the “In all seriousness-s-s-s” section you can feel the love shining through In a selfish way, I’m happy that you were born, cuz I love you and you never fail to light up my life/day/me.
Needless to say, this brought back a lot of emotions. The painful kind, we’re talking tears, the twisting sensation running through all my organs, the desire to just scream, and not to mention the feeling of my brain pushing and cracking through my skull. I thought back to some of our more romantic days, back to little 14-16 year old me. And I wanted it back in a groundhog day like scenario.
The thing is, I used to feel that every god-damn day for about a year, and it upset me that I could be that upset, if that makes sense. It’s like now I’m hurting for both my current and old self.
I take solice in that I’m not alone. Everyone has something they miss; be it childhood, a parent, a pet, an old friend, a feeling, or, if you’re like me, love. I feel somewhat silly sharing all this personal information, mainly because I chose not to make this blog anonymous so if you know who I am odds are you’ll know 100% who I am talking about, and I’m embarrassed; this should not still be an issue for me.
You see, I was doing great. For the first time in a long time I properly felt happy. I mean truly happy, sure I don’t know where I’m going in my life, but in a weird way I was finding that somewhat exciting. I was single but feeling good about it, I mean really feeling good about it, in fact I was half-way through writing “How to win at being Single” (maybe I’ll edit and post it when I’m feeling better) and it all hit me.
How do you know if you’re over something or someone? I mean I thought I was (or as close as one can get) but after what happened today I’m in doubt. I’m sure I am. No, I know I am, but when something strongly effects you it never completely goes away, you just have to make sure it doesn’t effect your normal every day life. You’ll still feel pain, but you’ll feel “Ok” too, and the spouts of pain become fewer and fewer but you’re still always in danger of a relapse of emotion.
It’s ok to relapse though, in anything, as long as at the end of the day you keep pushing forward. I guess it just became too easy and fate decided I needed to feel overwhelmed, that I needed to have a good cry, that I needed to feel unloved and worthless, just for a little bit. There are moments we wish we can relive, and I guess pain of knowing we can’t must always follow.
It’s important to have hope, personally I feel hope is the most important thing one can have in life and usually it pays off. Negative thinking brings you nowhere but negitive places. Hope and excitement for the future is the life-force that allows humans to surive through the pain.
Sorry this article wasn’t very witty or well throught out, I’m still feeling pretty shook up, and although this is usually something I’d write about in my diary, I figured I should give this a go. I’ll be ok, I always am. I still feel like shit. But It’ll pass… at least I hope it will. I don’t know How long I’ll feel like this, maybe it’ll just be until I eat dinner, or maybe it will last a week, but I’ll feel the complete joy I was feeling even this morning again.
No matter what’s going on in your life odds are there’s something from your past that is painful, something that is irksome that it still bothers you; deep breath and try as hard to keep that spark of hope inside alive. I guess hope is kind of like a campfire in that sometimes it’s burning bright and you’re making smores and you’re just so toasty warm, but then it starts to die down sometimes, and you panic because you are so terribly afraid that it’s going to completely burn out because it’s getting cold and you’re running out of wood, but once you find some the fire builds up again.
Just don’t let the fire die.