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How to Win at Having Your Heart Broken.

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You can’t, sorry.

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Infidelity

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Could you forgive a cheater? If you asked me a few years (or even a few months) ago my answer would be a straight up no. I already have trust issues and personally feel like I wouldn’t be able to trust them again.

But what is cheating. So many different views and opinions. I know some people who say they could forgive their partner for kissing someone as long as they didn’t sleep together, other people would be fine with both as long as it was meaningless, and some people freak out if their partner is merely flirting a little bit, and consider that mentally cheating.

Luckily I’ve never had to be put in the position where I have been cheated on, so, I really don’t know how I’d react.

The book I’m currently reading (The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas, good book, worth a read if you have the chance) has a lot of infidelity in marriages happening and it got me thinking a lot about the topic.

These days the word Love is thrown around like crazy, but I find commitment much more special. “I’m committed to you” is far more powerful than “I love you”, loving someone doesn’t take effort. You can cheat on someone and still love them, but are you commited to them? no.

I’ve started thinking about the difference between porn and cheating and there doesn’t seem to be much of one if you think about it. The other person is still getting their physical pleasure from another being that isn’t their partner. Of course, this day an age pretty much all men watch porn (and a good deal of women). If a woman were to break up with her husband/boyfriend for watching porn society would think that she was completely over reacting. Unless he’s a porn addict and it is actively interfering with the couples actual sex life.

Where do you draw the line though? People say porn is different because it’s not a real women, but what about cyber sex than? is that not the same as porn? and with the way technology is going it won’t be long until masturbation to porn will pretty much feel like real sex with a real human being. Is there really a huge difference between mental and physical connections?

If a guy watches porn every now and again but still is a loving father to his wife and kids, still sexually attracted to his wife (and let’s him know it) what’s the harm? If the guy casually as a mistress who he sleeps with very now and again but still is a loving father to his wife and kids, still sexually attracted to his wife (and let’s him know it) what’s the harm? It’s just interesting that’s all. Is it worth throwing an entire loving relationship away because of one slip up? I… I don’t know.

Personally I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I cheated on my partner but could I forgive them? Who knows, hopefully that’s something I never have to figure out.

Just some food for thought. This is just a random stream of consciousness, please share your opinions.

The Second Time Your Heart Gets Broken.

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There are some lucky people in the world who have not yet endured the very human experience that is giving another human being your whole heart and watching them not fully accept it, and then eventually throw it on the ground… This of course is the joy of being heartbroken.

Then there are others who experience this pain… possibly enter a state of depression but grow from it and then their next relationship is one that sticks, never having to experience that gut wrenching pain of unrequited love ever again.

And then there are those who get heartbroken another time after that, and again after that… and again and again and again.

I once saw a beautiful article about the second time you fall in love.   I know it’s silly but when I was going through my first serious break-up it was one of the few things that gave me hope. There’s loads of articles about the first time you fall in love, about your first heartache, about falling in love for a second time… But not much about the second time your heart get’s ripped out of your chest, so let me write one.

The second time you get your heart broken… To put it blunty.. is shit. I mean, all break-ups are shit… But it’s shit, so we all agree; suddenly stopping a close connection with someone is shit.

It will feel strangely close to the first time, that deep sick sensation in your stomach, and the fiery pain in your lungs as you try to breath. When the pain kicks in that’s when there will be a quick succession of anger wrapped in denial. I mean… this is not happening.. Not after last time. You are so angry at yourself for putting yourself in a vulnerable position again, for being so quick to jump into love after months (and in some cases years) of getting over the initial heart ache. You’re angry at yourself because you thought you learned… when obviously you didn’t.. and now you’re here.. again… in pain.

After your body settles down, you realize you have to go through all the pain of getting over someone…again. Only, the odd thing is.. you know you will, you’re not left in the same sense of lost despair that you were the first time. You’ve done it before sure, you can do it again. It’s more, you’re not looking  forward to it. You’re not looking forward to being used to being alone again, to finding ways to fill your spare time until the loneliness doesn’t kill you anymore, of having to yet again leave a comfort zone you only just found.

The first time your heart is broken, it’s a shock to your system, you’ve never dealt with this sort of pain, the second time is a shock as well, but it feels way more unfair. You know you’ll get over it though, which is nice, instead of entering a dark depression like last time, it’s more a brief while of painful agony. You know that you’ll be able to move on much quicker than you did the first time.

It hurts. It hurts like crazy. You wonder if you will every actually find a love that won’t leave you feeling the way you do.. and you start to question whether its worth it or not. There are a few different types of people in regards to relationships, some people have no bother being single and having one night stands and being content, and if they happen to fall in love, well that’s great too.

Me? I’m not one of those people, I wish I was BELIEVE me I wish I was. The truth is I am a relationship junkie, I give my heart away too easy to any beautiful person I feel a connection with, and then I end up hurt multiple times, back in a pathetic wailing state where my heart and tear ducts are just far too fatigued. I’m a hopeless romantic and maybe I view life as some big fantastic movie (being a drama student will do that to you) when it’s not. Life is just life, sometimes people stay together forever, sometimes you don’t.

The second time your heart get’s broken leaves you questioning fate. You’re scared… But hey, you got over it and fell in love again. So, it will be all right, at least, I sure do hope it will be.

How To Win at Hot Chocolate

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The art of making hot chocolate is one that I do not take lightly. You may be out for lunch, or at a friend’s house and foolishly accept a cup of chocolately joy. “What’s the worst that could happen” you think, “Hot chocolate’s hot chocolate I’ll be happy with what ever I get” and then it comes to you; this watery brown mess of artificial sugar that was, you guessed it, made only on water. The shame, the horror. Hot chocolate made on water.

I am something of a hot chocolate snob. I was raised with hot chocolate of a very high standard from a very young age and have spent years experimenting and testing out various cocoa beverages around the globe.  All hot chocolates are different and people have different tastes, but there are a few things you should try and a few things you should absolutely never do.

I feel the first is obvious, don’t make water based hot chocolate. This is only acceptable if you are a fan of dark chocolate to begin with. A bock of 100% good quality cocoa grated into boiling water with a hint of chili powder can be amazing, but this is not the sweet chocolaty beverage most people associate with hot chocolate but it is still amazing. In conclusion, water based hot chocolates shouldn’t only be done with good quality and un-sweet ingredients.

The ratios when making hot chocolate with unsweetened cocoa powder is close to impossible to get correct so I eventually caved and resorted to using ready mix hot chocolates to avoid having to add sugar, sometimes it feels like cheating but then I taste that sweet beautiful drink and I know its not in vain. Green & Blacks do a really nice hot chocolate range (the orange one is yummy!) but Cadburys is your standard faithful drinking chocolate mix. Try and stay away from the ridiculously gimmicky ones (Of course there’s no shame in trying that new Wisp hot chocolate!) they tend to taste overly artificial.

I find the best is one-third water, one-third milk and one-third cream, this way it’s nice and creamy without being too sickening. If making for loads of people you’re best doing it the only fashioned way (on a stove) but sometimes you may have to resort to using a microwave because… well… it’s easier (even if it may give you a tail and other mutations), either way, you watch that bad boy like a hawk! NOTHING is worse than having your hot chocolate explode and having to wash the crevices of the microwave (ok… maybe a few things are worse but it’s still pretty nasty).

Experiment with your own secret ingredients (Mine’s hazelnut syrup), maybe mint? Vanilla? GO CRAZY! And, if you want something extra special, melt a square of your favorite chocolate bar in at the end. Simply delicious.

Hot Chocolate is probably one of the more complex of the hot beverages. Yes, tea and coffee follow certain rules, but they are task drinks that can be easily done if the basic instructions are followed (e.g. never ever microwave tea) but hot chocolate is different, making hot chocolate isn’t a skill, it’s an art form. Never make hot chocolate if you are not in the correct state of mind, love and care need to go in to each cup. Take your time making and drinking it and understand the care that must go in when others are making it more you and be patient.

So go out and experiment yourself! Come up with your own secret touches to making mouth-watering amazing drinks. Have you’re friends pupils dilate as they taste all the love you put into their drink, after all, the only way to really win at hot chocolate is to really care.

Can We Please Stop Using Words Like “Cunt” and “Pussy”?

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As words ‘cunt’ and ‘pussy’ have never appealed to me. Why? Basically because they don’t sound nice. Not only do they not sound nice but they have a huge negative connotation. “He’s a cunt”, “Don’ be a pussy”. I don’t think it’s nice for us ladies to have such disgusting words used in such a disgusting way for such a beautiful part of our bodies.

Girls are self conscience enough about their vag and I don’t really think it’s fair adding to it. Words like these make me uncomfortable, I kinda feel like it’s the same as using a racist slur, it’s a sexist slur.

But Saoirse, people use ”Dick” in a negative way all the time, in fact you do all the time‘ yes, but it’s different, I don’t know why or how but it just is. I have a few theory’s for this and they’re a bit.. um.. crude.

Basically (bare with me here, I don’t mean to be sexist but am going to use a lot of generalizations here, I know exceptions exist and I always take that into account with individuals, but with a theory you sometimes need to stereotype a little) in regards to sex men generally have it a lot easier. They um… (Goodness me, why am I so awkward) find it easier to… you know… It’s a lot more physical for them and as a general rule it’s easier and more straight forward for them to get aroused and then cum (There I said it!) also, there’s not as much pressure for them to look good, ok ok, I know there’s pressure and guys suffer from objectification just as much as girls but it’s not the same you (if you’re a male) have no idea what it’s like to freak out because you forgot to shave your legs.

A lot of the time, girls are scared of sex, ok not scared… more nervous. They aren’t as comfortable with their bodies as men (maybe it’s because it’s harder to see). In this day and age the sexual revolution, despite all the years, is still happening, many women are still too hung up and anxious about themselves to really enjoy what’s going on. I think one way to stop this is to admit vaginas are beautiful and to stop saying synonyms for them unless they are in a positive manner.

All vaginas are beautiful, the same way all penis’s are beautiful. Young, old, sexually adept to sexually inept, the human form is beautiful (and cunt is an awful word).

How to Win at Being Single

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I’m single and I’m actually feeling pretty good about it. You see, two broken halves don’t make a whole, I am sick, sick sick sick and, guess what? SICK of people wanting a relationship with the swift conclusion that by finally entering one this new person will magically fix them. Only you can fix yourself and it is just plain unfair to put that pressure onto someone else.

Being single, although fun, can sometimes make you feel so alone, so frustrated that you are surrounded by all these people, but that none “fit” you. Sometimes it feels like you are just this absolute freak, no one makes you happy, you’re sick of singlehood, but you just can’t find that person, it’s very frustrating! But when you’re out, and you just catch eyes with that hot boy/girl and it’s like this agreement electrifies through the air and sends the mutual signal “You are hot” it restores your faith, your faith that chemistry like that exists, and you know what? It’s just plain fun.

Oh… It get’s better though, you start talking to them and realize “Hold on… This person finds me interesting?” and then you realize “Hold on… I think this person is fascinating.”  Sometimes the chemistry or “spark” isn’t as obvious, sometimes it’s a gradual build up, but you know it’s always there. And I love that.

There’s a Japanese expression “Koi No Yokan” which means the sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. Note, however, that this is not love at first sight. When you feel that spark with someone it’s not you falling in love, in fact there’s a high likely hood that it won’t work out. I say I have only felt this three times, and only one of those times did it turn into a proper relationship. Am I bitter that the other two didn’t work out as planned? The weird thing is, no, not at all. If anything I’m grateful!

That type of chemistry (although rarely experienced) is the only thing that get’s me exited about the romantic future. I can’t wait until the next time I experience it, even if it takes years (which sometimes it can) I know that it’s possible, and I know that it’s what I should wait out for. So the next time you’re flirting with some beautiful individual and it doesn’t work out, it shouldn’t make you sad, it should make you the opposite!

You win at being single by not taking any bullshit; I’d rather be me without the cuddles than not me but with cuddles (Although I get plenty of cuddles from friends, family, cats… but it’s not the same… we all know that)

That “Koi No Yokan” fills me with peace and sheer giddiness. The guys I have experienced this with have made such an impression on me, not a sad one because it wasn’t a breakup, but one that to this day makes me effervescent with joy at the thought. I look back on these brief moments of sheer chemistry and smile with excitement.

You win at being single by getting to know yourself and  love yourself, by enjoying the solitude while at the same time being open to new experiences. A lot of people want their prince/princess but are too lazy to go out and kiss any frogs (although the frog kissing certainly speeds things along) but it’s not necessary. Be the single person you want to be, be it the overly flirtatious disco diva or the pizza eating Breaking Bad sloth, just never second guess yourself and do what you enjoy. Most importantly, be proud of who you are because well, you’re fantastic.

There was a while where I was worried, worried If I didn’t go out “clubbing” I’d never meet a guy, but than I realized, the type of guy I would want wouldn’t hang out in a nightclub, but maybe yours would! You see, it’s all relative. But what is important is to take risks when needed and just generally roll with the punches, realize there’s no age limit with love and nothing is standardized.

Flirting’s fun too, I love flirting. I mean I’m shit at it (with way too obvious or too horribly subtle to the point where even I don’t know if I’m flirting or not) but I love it. It gives a thrill and makes me fell attractive on the few times I succeed, no matter how much of a recluse you may be, try flirting. Flirting works kind of like exercise in that the more you do it the less you’ll go all red and sweaty while doing it.

I always feel silly writing about relationship topics like this, mainly because I’m kind of frightened by how insane it makes me appear (which I’m guessing is a lot), and I’m not entirely sure who exactly reads this blog, so I’ll leave by saying something small that hopefully makes me seem (even if it’s only slightly) less insane. At the moment I am single, with not a single crush, and I feel more confident in myself than I ever did when I was in a relationship. I’m willing to accept love should it happen to fall onto my lap, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to force it and it seems like a good place to be.

It’s Okay to be Silly

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Envision the scene: you’re at a party half-way through your first beer (so you’re still reasonably sober) and someone galumps over to you full of beans yelling something like “DO THE BIG FISH LITTLE FISH CARDBOARD BOX DANCE WITH ME” and you’re like “Um… no.” Because you don’t know this person and feel a little awkward.

Are you there? Are you imagining it? Okay, now let us continue; the person accepts (your polite) decline then goes off dancing like a mad thing and just generally having a bit of fun. Would I be right in saying that if you were put in that situation you’d just assume the person just had to be off their face on some sort of intoxicant?

Of course I would, but why? Why is it if you act even a little insane people automatically assume you’re either drunk or on drugs? Why aren’t adults allowed to feel the hyper giddiness of a child without the fear of people thinking they dropped 2 tabs of E the prvious hour?

Recently I did a session of Laughing Yoga (I would like to point out that this was in fact free) and although the whole thing seemed… well… looney, the whole thing did kinda make sense and it served it’s purpose. To bring out that giddyness.

For those of you who don’t know, I’ll explain in lamens terms the idea of this Laughing Yoga. Basically, you all sit in a circle and through various amounts of drama-like work shops, force yourself to laugh; the idea being that your brain can’t tell the difference between forced and genuine smiles/laughter, it still triggers the happy chemicals (Serotonin) which fiils you wth joy and energy. It’s this same chemicals that people gain artificially though pills, this child-like hyper energy.

So, just laugh. Laughing is amazing, if you take anything at all away from this take that. It’s great for all emotions (Go on, go show me that evil maniacal laugh of yours). I wouldn’t pay to sit in a circle and laugh with others because I feel it’s something I can do on my own, but maybe some people need the push. Just try laughing at yourself in the mirror a few minutes a day, you’d be surprised just how much it will boost open your mood. When I was younger I used to be quite self-consious about my laugh, now that I’m older I understand the sheer stupidity of that. So go on. Laugh, even if you have no reason to, eventually you’ll find one.

When we were younger we had some pretty nasty habits, we were impatient and sometimes even had tantrums, this is something that we all (hopefully) grow out of, unfortunately our sillyness goes too.

I’m happy that despite my trials and tribulations I can still make funny faces as I sing disney songs alone in my room (that’s not even the weirdest thing I do….) I’m happy I still have my spark.

I am, however, upset people can’t just act hyper and happy without the assumption that they are drunk or, how you kids say, “Yipped”.

I’m upset that I’m afraid to embrace my own silly demenor as it will make me appear immature.

At the same time though I’m extreamely grateful and happy that that burst of serotonin happiness can be experienced without half a tab.

There’s a saying “Anyone can be passioate but it takes real lovers to be silly” (Rose Franklin). I couldn’t agree with this more. I think the most lasting relationships are the ones where you can just allow yourself to be free, to goof off and laugh over the most simplist of life’s pleasures. To not be embarrassed or ashamed about doing what you feel then is spontanious and joyful. I think this is not just the case for romantic relationships, but also friendships and most immportantly, the relationship you have with yourself. (I know I know, I’m cheesy as a mofo)

I hate using the word “Childish” in references to sillyness because it gives the negative conatation that acting goofy is immature and not age approprate. Being silly is always age approprate. What’s immature is not taking the greater world into account, it’s holding on to minor mishaps that aren’t important, it’s not being able to be serious, It’s how you treat others around you. One can be mature even if they are acting a bit hyper from the 7UP (or coffee, we’re adults now) they had earlier. So can we please stop refering to fits of adult hyperactivity as immature? Yes? Okay. Thank you.

The reason children still have this beautiful ability so clearly is because society hasn’t yet beat them down, and while it’s good to be beaten down like this, as it helps you grow, that gem, that spark of pure innocent joyous hyper-ness, let’s try not to lose that. Because once something takes that away from you then it’s truly beaten you.

So, next time things just, well, to put it bluntly, fuck up. Just laugh, try and see the comical end of things (I like to sometimes imagine my life as a bad T.V. Sit-com), next time you’re at a party maybe tone down the drink, see if you can gain the social confidence and excitement to meet new people on your own brain chemistry.

Just some food for thought.

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