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How to Win at Being Single

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I’m single and I’m actually feeling pretty good about it. You see, two broken halves don’t make a whole, I am sick, sick sick sick and, guess what? SICK of people wanting a relationship with the swift conclusion that by finally entering one this new person will magically fix them. Only you can fix yourself and it is just plain unfair to put that pressure onto someone else.

Being single, although fun, can sometimes make you feel so alone, so frustrated that you are surrounded by all these people, but that none “fit” you. Sometimes it feels like you are just this absolute freak, no one makes you happy, you’re sick of singlehood, but you just can’t find that person, it’s very frustrating! But when you’re out, and you just catch eyes with that hot boy/girl and it’s like this agreement electrifies through the air and sends the mutual signal “You are hot” it restores your faith, your faith that chemistry like that exists, and you know what? It’s just plain fun.

Oh… It get’s better though, you start talking to them and realize “Hold on… This person finds me interesting?” and then you realize “Hold on… I think this person is fascinating.”  Sometimes the chemistry or “spark” isn’t as obvious, sometimes it’s a gradual build up, but you know it’s always there. And I love that.

There’s a Japanese expression “Koi No Yokan” which means the sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. Note, however, that this is not love at first sight. When you feel that spark with someone it’s not you falling in love, in fact there’s a high likely hood that it won’t work out. I say I have only felt this three times, and only one of those times did it turn into a proper relationship. Am I bitter that the other two didn’t work out as planned? The weird thing is, no, not at all. If anything I’m grateful!

That type of chemistry (although rarely experienced) is the only thing that get’s me exited about the romantic future. I can’t wait until the next time I experience it, even if it takes years (which sometimes it can) I know that it’s possible, and I know that it’s what I should wait out for. So the next time you’re flirting with some beautiful individual and it doesn’t work out, it shouldn’t make you sad, it should make you the opposite!

You win at being single by not taking any bullshit; I’d rather be me without the cuddles than not me but with cuddles (Although I get plenty of cuddles from friends, family, cats… but it’s not the same… we all know that)

That “Koi No Yokan” fills me with peace and sheer giddiness. The guys I have experienced this with have made such an impression on me, not a sad one because it wasn’t a breakup, but one that to this day makes me effervescent with joy at the thought. I look back on these brief moments of sheer chemistry and smile with excitement.

You win at being single by getting to know yourself and  love yourself, by enjoying the solitude while at the same time being open to new experiences. A lot of people want their prince/princess but are too lazy to go out and kiss any frogs (although the frog kissing certainly speeds things along) but it’s not necessary. Be the single person you want to be, be it the overly flirtatious disco diva or the pizza eating Breaking Bad sloth, just never second guess yourself and do what you enjoy. Most importantly, be proud of who you are because well, you’re fantastic.

There was a while where I was worried, worried If I didn’t go out “clubbing” I’d never meet a guy, but than I realized, the type of guy I would want wouldn’t hang out in a nightclub, but maybe yours would! You see, it’s all relative. But what is important is to take risks when needed and just generally roll with the punches, realize there’s no age limit with love and nothing is standardized.

Flirting’s fun too, I love flirting. I mean I’m shit at it (with way too obvious or too horribly subtle to the point where even I don’t know if I’m flirting or not) but I love it. It gives a thrill and makes me fell attractive on the few times I succeed, no matter how much of a recluse you may be, try flirting. Flirting works kind of like exercise in that the more you do it the less you’ll go all red and sweaty while doing it.

I always feel silly writing about relationship topics like this, mainly because I’m kind of frightened by how insane it makes me appear (which I’m guessing is a lot), and I’m not entirely sure who exactly reads this blog, so I’ll leave by saying something small that hopefully makes me seem (even if it’s only slightly) less insane. At the moment I am single, with not a single crush, and I feel more confident in myself than I ever did when I was in a relationship. I’m willing to accept love should it happen to fall onto my lap, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to force it and it seems like a good place to be.

It’s Okay to be Silly

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Envision the scene: you’re at a party half-way through your first beer (so you’re still reasonably sober) and someone galumps over to you full of beans yelling something like “DO THE BIG FISH LITTLE FISH CARDBOARD BOX DANCE WITH ME” and you’re like “Um… no.” Because you don’t know this person and feel a little awkward.

Are you there? Are you imagining it? Okay, now let us continue; the person accepts (your polite) decline then goes off dancing like a mad thing and just generally having a bit of fun. Would I be right in saying that if you were put in that situation you’d just assume the person just had to be off their face on some sort of intoxicant?

Of course I would, but why? Why is it if you act even a little insane people automatically assume you’re either drunk or on drugs? Why aren’t adults allowed to feel the hyper giddiness of a child without the fear of people thinking they dropped 2 tabs of E the prvious hour?

Recently I did a session of Laughing Yoga (I would like to point out that this was in fact free) and although the whole thing seemed… well… looney, the whole thing did kinda make sense and it served it’s purpose. To bring out that giddyness.

For those of you who don’t know, I’ll explain in lamens terms the idea of this Laughing Yoga. Basically, you all sit in a circle and through various amounts of drama-like work shops, force yourself to laugh; the idea being that your brain can’t tell the difference between forced and genuine smiles/laughter, it still triggers the happy chemicals (Serotonin) which fiils you wth joy and energy. It’s this same chemicals that people gain artificially though pills, this child-like hyper energy.

So, just laugh. Laughing is amazing, if you take anything at all away from this take that. It’s great for all emotions (Go on, go show me that evil maniacal laugh of yours). I wouldn’t pay to sit in a circle and laugh with others because I feel it’s something I can do on my own, but maybe some people need the push. Just try laughing at yourself in the mirror a few minutes a day, you’d be surprised just how much it will boost open your mood. When I was younger I used to be quite self-consious about my laugh, now that I’m older I understand the sheer stupidity of that. So go on. Laugh, even if you have no reason to, eventually you’ll find one.

When we were younger we had some pretty nasty habits, we were impatient and sometimes even had tantrums, this is something that we all (hopefully) grow out of, unfortunately our sillyness goes too.

I’m happy that despite my trials and tribulations I can still make funny faces as I sing disney songs alone in my room (that’s not even the weirdest thing I do….) I’m happy I still have my spark.

I am, however, upset people can’t just act hyper and happy without the assumption that they are drunk or, how you kids say, “Yipped”.

I’m upset that I’m afraid to embrace my own silly demenor as it will make me appear immature.

At the same time though I’m extreamely grateful and happy that that burst of serotonin happiness can be experienced without half a tab.

There’s a saying “Anyone can be passioate but it takes real lovers to be silly” (Rose Franklin). I couldn’t agree with this more. I think the most lasting relationships are the ones where you can just allow yourself to be free, to goof off and laugh over the most simplist of life’s pleasures. To not be embarrassed or ashamed about doing what you feel then is spontanious and joyful. I think this is not just the case for romantic relationships, but also friendships and most immportantly, the relationship you have with yourself. (I know I know, I’m cheesy as a mofo)

I hate using the word “Childish” in references to sillyness because it gives the negative conatation that acting goofy is immature and not age approprate. Being silly is always age approprate. What’s immature is not taking the greater world into account, it’s holding on to minor mishaps that aren’t important, it’s not being able to be serious, It’s how you treat others around you. One can be mature even if they are acting a bit hyper from the 7UP (or coffee, we’re adults now) they had earlier. So can we please stop refering to fits of adult hyperactivity as immature? Yes? Okay. Thank you.

The reason children still have this beautiful ability so clearly is because society hasn’t yet beat them down, and while it’s good to be beaten down like this, as it helps you grow, that gem, that spark of pure innocent joyous hyper-ness, let’s try not to lose that. Because once something takes that away from you then it’s truly beaten you.

So, next time things just, well, to put it bluntly, fuck up. Just laugh, try and see the comical end of things (I like to sometimes imagine my life as a bad T.V. Sit-com), next time you’re at a party maybe tone down the drink, see if you can gain the social confidence and excitement to meet new people on your own brain chemistry.

Just some food for thought.

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Emotional Relapse

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So, I finally took the time to completely clear out my room, it was a big task but it needed to be done. Half-way through sifting  through all my junk I found an old birthday card from my first- well- everything. It was for my 16th birthday. It’s an adorable, (slightly crappy looking) card written on lined paper with “Barry the Mildly Concussed Birthday Turtle” drawn in pencil. In general it’s cute and silly but in the “In all seriousness-s-s-s” section you can feel the love shining through In a selfish way, I’m happy that you were born, cuz I love you and you never fail to light up my life/day/me.

Needless to say, this brought back a lot of emotions. The painful kind, we’re talking tears, the twisting sensation running through all my organs, the desire to just scream, and not to mention the feeling of my brain pushing and cracking through my skull. I thought back to some of our more romantic days, back to little 14-16 year old me. And I wanted it back in a groundhog day like scenario.

The thing is, I used to feel that every god-damn day for about a year, and it upset me that I could be that upset, if that makes sense. It’s like now I’m hurting for  both my current and old self.

I take solice in that I’m not alone. Everyone has something they miss; be it childhood, a parent, a pet, an old friend, a feeling, or, if you’re like me, love. I feel somewhat silly sharing all this personal information, mainly because I chose not to make this blog anonymous so if you know who I am odds are you’ll know 100% who I am talking about, and I’m embarrassed; this should not still be an issue for me.

You see, I was doing great. For the first time in a long time I properly felt happy. I mean truly happy, sure I don’t know where I’m going in my life, but in a weird way I was finding that somewhat exciting. I was single but feeling good about it, I mean really feeling good about it, in fact I was half-way through writing “How to win at being Single” (maybe I’ll edit and post it when I’m feeling better) and it all hit me.

How do you know if you’re over something or someone? I mean I thought I was (or as close as one can get) but after what happened today I’m in doubt. I’m sure I am. No, I know I am, but when something strongly effects you it never completely goes away, you just have to make sure it doesn’t effect your normal every day life. You’ll still feel pain, but you’ll feel “Ok” too, and the spouts of pain become fewer and fewer but you’re still always in danger of a relapse of emotion.

It’s ok to relapse though, in anything, as long as at the end of the day you keep pushing forward. I guess it just became too easy and fate decided I needed to feel overwhelmed, that I needed to have a good cry, that I needed to feel unloved and worthless, just for a little bit.  There are moments we wish we can relive, and I guess pain of knowing we can’t must always follow.

It’s important to have hope, personally I feel hope is the most important thing one can have in life and usually it pays off. Negative thinking brings you nowhere but negitive places. Hope and excitement for the future is the life-force that allows humans to surive through the pain.

Sorry this article wasn’t very witty or well throught out, I’m still feeling pretty shook up, and although this is usually something I’d write about in my diary, I figured I should give this a go. I’ll be ok, I always am. I still feel like shit. But It’ll pass… at least I hope it will. I don’t know How long I’ll feel like this, maybe it’ll just be until I eat dinner, or maybe it will last a week, but I’ll feel the complete joy I was feeling even this morning again.

No matter what’s going on in your life odds are there’s something from your past that is painful, something that is irksome that it still bothers you; deep breath and try as hard to keep that spark of hope inside alive. I guess hope is kind of like a campfire in that sometimes it’s burning bright and you’re making smores and you’re just so toasty warm, but then it starts to die down sometimes, and you panic because you are so terribly afraid that it’s going to completely burn out because it’s getting cold and you’re running out of wood, but once you find some the fire builds up again.

Just don’t let the fire die.

Words to Sound Intelligent (A collection of my favorite)

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Do you ever feel that people consider you foolish and uneducated? Well never fear! I have provided a list of words to help you seem intelligent.

Coruscate – To Sparkle (Verb)

Peruse – Read Carefully (Verb)

Cavort – Play in a lively way (verb)

Enshroud – To cover (verb)

Deliquesce – To melt away (verb)

Moil – To work hard/slave away (Verb)

Cynosure – Focal point of attention (noun)

Oenophile – a wine liker (noun)

Neonate – Baby under 28days (Noun)

Throng – Large group of people clustered together (noun)

Firmament – Heavens/sky (noun)

Derision – Mockery (noun)

Buccaneer – Pirate (noun)

Abecedarian – Someone learning the alphabet  (noun)

Numismatics – study/collection of coins and metals (noun)

Ailurophile – A cat person (noun)

Rime – Coating of frost (noun)

Brume – Fog or Mist

Avarice – Greed (noun)

Bauble –  cheap flashy jewelery (noun)

Exultation – Joy from victory (noun)

Pugilist – Boxer (noun)

Plethora – Abundance (noun)

Umbrage – Resentment (noun)

Ebullience –  Great Enthusiasm (noun)

Libation – Alcoholic Drink (noun)

Emollient – Something the softens (noun)

Idiosyncrasy – Characteristic particular in an individual (noun)

Fulingious – Smoky (adj)

Oneric – To do with dreams (adj)

Obstrepuous – Noisy, boisterous (adj)

Hoary – White or grey with age (Adj)

Minatory – Threatening/menacing (adj)

Tenebrous – Dark/gloomy (adj)

Temerarious – Foolishly Reckless (adj)

Vitreous – Made of glass (adj)

Crepuscular – Of/like twilight (adj)

Fugacious – Shout lived (adj)

Resplendent – dazzling (adj)

Sedentary – Characterized by a lot of sitting (adj)

Antiquated – To old to be useful (adj)

Indelible – Unable to be erased

Androgynous – Male and female charactistics (adj)

Loqacious – Talkative (adj)

Gossamer – Light/Flimsy (adj)

Livid – Enraged (adj)

Raconteur – Skilled story teller (adj)

Sumptuous – Luxurious (adj)

Desiccated – Dryed up (adj)

Impudent – Rude (adj)

Recumbent – lying down (adj)

Injudicious – Unwise (Adj)

Bacchanalian – loud, drunkenness (adj)

Torpid – Sluggish (adj)

Somnolent – Sleepy (adj)

Circumscribed – enclosed (adj)

Debonair – Sophisticated Charm (adj)

Munificent – Generous (adj)

Inundated – Flooded (adj)

Impecunious – Broke (adj)

Convivial – Friendly/Social (adj)

Hirsute – Hairy/shaggy (adj)

Egregious – Very bad (adj)

Opulent – Rich (adj)

Blithe – Carefree (adj)

Perturbed – Uneasy (adj)

Intractable – Stubborn (adj)

Evanescent – Fleeting (adj)

Virile – Energetic in a manly way (adj)

Puerile – Childish (adj)

Effervescent – Bubbly (adj)

Salient – Prominent (adj)

Plaintive – Mournful (adj)

Lackadaisical – without interest (adj)

Despondent – Showing Hopelessness (adj)        

Macabre – Gruesome (adj)

Slip these words into conversation and the impressed look on peoples faces is guaranteed!

 

How to Win at Kissing

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Kissing is perhaps one of the most important aspects of a relationship and why? Because you can tell so much from one kiss; the chemistry between two people becomes so abundantly clear. Would a bad kisser be a deal-breaker for me? Probably, I know that may sound awful but let me explain; would I break up with someone because the first kiss was lousy do to nerves? No, but I have to feel something there. It’s like this: Kissing is fun, I at least want the other person to enjoy going about this playful game with me, I want them to be wiling to make playful compromises between our varying kissing styles, I want us to break away with a smile after each kiss. I think everyone deserves that in a relationship. It’s chemistry; you got it or you don’t, and if you don’t, trying to force it will get you nowhere. You don’t need experience to feel those tingles.

In regards to the actual kissing technique (putting mental and physical attraction aside) I’ve always felt it’s actually far more difficult to be a bad kisser than a good kisser (and extremely easy to be a mediocre one). Kissing is completely natural, so it’s when you over think it is when you are in danger. Following a technique won’t work, you just need to do what feels right. Being an OK kisser mainly means following the other persons lead, you may not enjoy the kiss but at least the other person won’t not enjoy it. But simply being ‘okay’ isn’t ‘winning’ now is it?

You win at kissing by enjoying it. Not by over thinking it. You know what you like; do that. Maybe you don’t know what you like, then experiment, it’s all fun and with the right person the occasional little hic-up really means nothing so relax, if you are afraid of being shit let them teach you, if they’re shit teach them (either subtly or bluntly) I find by holding their face you can generally control the kiss to your liking. Personally, I feel people focus too much on the tongue. Kissing is all about the lips, the varying pressure, the playful tugs, the little nibbles, and the light suction; use your tongue as an added joyful accessory. In short, use your tongue as an aphrodisiac, not a weapon. (By “Not a weapon” I mean don’t use your tongue as a knife by stabbing your “Victim” to death in the mouth). Also, please, please- keep your eyes closed (although it is ok to open them just for a second  to make sure the other person is enjoying the kiss, then right back down them eyes go), I feel I shouldn’t even have to say that.

The only time you should kiss a drunk person is if you are also drunk. Drunk people will enjoy kissing no matter what so generally tend to kiss more aggressively and sloppily. If you’re drunk too, that’s grand go for it! You’ll probably enjoy it, but if you’re not drunk, you’ll just be pissed off your significant other (or some lad/lass) is trying to eat your face when you’re trying to discuss the latest episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ (or whatever it is you young crazy kids are watching these days). Drunk = “RAWR I’MA DOG AND I’M GONNA TRY AND LICK YOUR TONSILS SO YOU’LL SLEEP WITH ME” (Pro tip: Some people are like this sober too… Don’t be that person. Ever.)

A good little  ”game” I like to play is to see who can last the longest without kissing. It’s a great boost to your confidence knowing someone can’t resist you, they won’t always pick up it’s a game, but when they do it can be even more fun! It’s good because even when you lose, you still win. That being said I always win. I did, however, come across a man who was just as competitive as me. “I know what you’re doing, and it won’t work” he said to me “I’m very competitive” it took a good half-hour of teasing before I got that bloody kiss but after I did it was amazing because of the build up, also the fact that I won. (Putting that out there, I did win) Admittedly, it was the first time I had to be properly strategic and use mind games as opposed to straight up playful teasing, but I couldn’t let him beat me now could I?

“When life gives you lemons make lemonade”, there’s another expression similar to that but far useful “When life gives you the perfect cinematic kiss setting, for the love of god take it or you will regret it for at least ten years” so, if you by any chance find yourself on a beach at sunset with someone you like and who likes you back: Kiss. If sitting on a bench late at night after staying up talking and flirting when suddenly that firework display that you forgot was happening starts: kiss. If slow dancing for any sort of occasion and it feels right: just kiss. If on a row boat gently being moved across a river and some smooth red crap named Sebastian is singing romantic music: KISS! Get the picture? You should, it’s a fairly simple picture. As far as schooling goes, it’s a pretty basic lesson.

Put your hands up if you’ve seen the ever-so charismatic Will Smith film ‘Hitch’. Is your hand up? Those who’ve seen it may recall the famous scene in which our Hitch states that you go in 90% of the way for the kiss, and allow her (or him) to go the other 10%. That’s a good rule, catching someone by surprise will give you the shock factor, but it may also give you a few bruises, be it physically or on your ego. Of course, when it comes to initiating the kiss all you need is eye contact. Really don’t want to kiss someone? Don’t look them in the eye. Simple. If they kiss you anyway, well then they are obviously shit at picking up signals and don’t respect your personal space and you’re going to have to be as blunt as possible about your feelings towards them.

From a young age I’ve always been paranoid about bad breath, perhaps it’s because I’ve always personally been a little OCD with my own oral hygiene habits. When I first got a boyfriend I managed to convince him that I simply “Always have mints” the same way I “Always carry round a bottle of water” so when our first kiss (and all the kisses after that) came I could be safe in the knowledge that we both had minty fresh breath. To this day I still don’t know if he realizes that habit only started because of him (and ceased soon after our demise), as our relationship matured I was simply too embarrassed to tell him. Always having mints or some gum handy is a pretty good thing to do to ensure you are always kiss prepared. Of course just masking your stinky-ass breath isn’t good enough; drink lots of water too! (see  https://saoirseo.wordpress.com/2013/06/23/how-to-win-at-drinking/ in which I discuss the amazing element that is water) And if you can, eat an apple, it neutralizes bad breath. Of course, mints don’t always work, for example: If you’ve both been drinking orange juice then there really is no need for a mint and it will just create a problem that wasn’t there before, just make sure that whatever you two have had  to eat and drink matches (e.g. if you both have coffee breath, it’s fine).

I suppose I’ve been quite lucky, I’ve had few genuinely ‘bad’ kisses. Excluding a few from my younger years (I suppose I should be fair, no one really had a clue what they were doing back then) and a few sloppy kisses from a drunk boyfriend, I’ve been quite lucky. Not that all my kisses have been amazing, most have been forgettable, but the good ones, the ones where each second is implanted into my brain, the ones where, no matter my history with this particular individual, still cause a smile to spill over my face, the ones where my brain was emptied and washed over with this clean sensation of tingling joy; those were purely magical.

I love kissing. I love playing off of the other person’s reaction. I love feeling the shocked filled joy sensation off the other person when I gently suck (or even nibble) someone’s lower lip. Personally I feel I win at kissing simply because I enjoy it. It is funny though isn’t it? How enjoyable us humans find kissing because when you think about it, it’s quite a disgusting thing. I’m a fussy eater and freak out at the idea of sharing an ice cream with someone but have absolutely no qualms in mushing my face with a cute boy and exchanging saliva manually. I read somewhere that in the dark you can sense and therefore find the other persons lips, like some magnetic pull. So there’s no need to worry, it doesn’t take Katniss Everdeen-esce aim to make sure you lock your target (look another pop-culture reference, I’m flying with these today). I will leave by saying this: kissing is amazing and seriously under-rated; kiss with joy, kiss with effort and most importantly, kiss like you mean it.

How to win social networks (mainly facebook)

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Right so, after I post this I am going to do the brave, the unspeakable; I am going to share my blog on my Facebook. Why? Why would I open myself up to obvious embarrassment and potential ridicule? Well, I guess the simple version of why is as follows: for the craic. This blog is still extremely new but honestly I’ve loved writing all these random little posts so far. Trying to construct wide complex opinions into concise amusing little articles is what I find to be quite an enjoyable challenge.

The thing is though, I’m not really very good, but I thought; if writing has brought so much enjoyment to my life I may as well take the risk and share this joy with others. Share this joy with you. So go on, tease me, at least I know I’m being laughed at for being 100%  me. I guess I didn’t want to be one of those people who use the internet as a veil from society, So that’s why I took the brave step in sharing this on my facebook page, opening up to the 400 people who have a general idea of who I am as a person (and possibly the occasional stalker) as apposed to using a fake name and hoping the occasional stranger would have a look.

Facebook is actually insane if you think about it. In real-life people have a filter, they try and show themselves in the best light possible until they feel comfortable, you’d think that by having control of their own personal profile people would in turn try and do the same, by using select status’s and stuff like that. However, this is not the case. The majority of people truly are themselves online, perhaps too much of themselves; we often see a darker version of people as they feel safer to fully express themselves behind a screen.

When I was younger I used to think about how cool it would be to go to school reunions, but now with social networking the way it is it seems completely pointless. It’s crazy, I know more about people I don’t care about than I ever thought I would. People share too much on facebook, myself included, and why? The answer is simple – attention. I feel people constantly update their statuses to quench that ever-present thirst for attention and sense of importance we just can’t seem to shake. I know personally that if I’m going through a hard time I’ll end up posting more than when I’m happy, not necessarily sad things either, just- well, anything, something to feel I’ve gained approval I guess. I find the psychology behind social networking truly amazing and it’s honestly something I could study for months on end without getting bored.

Facebook has completely changed the world of dating. The whole getting to know you phase is gone and although this saves a lot of time (e.g. Oh… You like Black Veil Brides in a non-ironic way? I don’t think this will go anywhere….) I do think it’s kind of sad. The mystery and enigma of the human brain is broken down into a single web page. Technology is basically fast-forwarding human relationships; whether this is good or bad I just feel people should be aware of it.

Also, it makes falling outs and break-ups impossible. You can’t get away, even if you un-friend there’s still photos, it’s still available for viewing (because let’s face it; you’re going to facebook stalk them). Seeing all these photos of friends on a night out, when you weren’t invited, it’s upsetting and leads you to feel excluded and unloved, but we look through the album anyway. It’s as if our curiosity has beaten our desire to be mentally sane. The more time you spend looking at photos of people enjoying themselves, the more alone you will feel.

I think having a lot of “Friends” on facebook is a lot like hoarding. You know you don’t really know about 75% of those people, but you like having them there… just in case, at least that’s what it’s like with me. You don’t really care about your cousin’s ex girlfriend and her new puppy, but you keep her there in your friends list, in case she posts a status about free concert tickets, or you end up becoming co-workers and actually becoming friends, you don’t want to have to do that whole awkward “re-adding” thing.

So… That was a ludicrously long introduction, but here are a few things to help you win at social networks.

  1.  If you have all your networks linked, make it so they don’t post on your behalf, I’m sick of seeing constant Instagram updates on facebook, and tumblr things on twitter. You liking a photo on an app I don’t have should not be included in my newsfeed. That is all.
  2. Think very carefully about what you post, on facebook especially. So what if you are listening to a great song, does the world really need to know you have good taste in music? Leave a little mystery; leave something to talk about to newcomers. The amount of times I was about to post a status, realized how pointless it was and deleted it is actually kind of humorous. Filtering is key, if you can’t do that than get a twitter. (We all know that’s Twitters real purpose, to make people less annoying on Facebook.)
  3. Don’t change your relationship status without informing your family and close friends first. Seriously, I hate finding out about stuff like that online (okay, fair enough if I barely know the person…)
  4. Your, you’re, their, there, they’re. It’s not that hard.
  5. Stop sending invites to pointless things…
  6. If you’re good-looking try and have at least one decent picture available for public view to avoid the “I promise they’re better looking in person” sentence…
  7. No more vague I’m upset status’s. If you’re upset bloody talk to someone about it, don’t post some bullshit wish-y wash-y status hoping someone will ask what’s wrong. You’re more likely to get decent conversation with those who care by just being honest, without the use of social media.
  8. Only use hashtags on Twitter and Instagram. What’s up with hashtags on Facebook now? I WILL NEVER ACCEPT CHANGE!
  9. Stop being ashamed of stalking people online. It’s fine, we all do it.
  10. Be weary and cautious that the facts you see on tumblr, twitter, 9gag, whatever, are not exactly coming from the most reliable source.
  11. Make sure you have a profile picture of you enjoying yourself with friends. You are 90% more likely to get asked out on a date if your profile picture is of you and your friends.  That’s not true; I just made that up, see above. Anyone can just do that. This isn’t a tip; I just wanted to make a point. Ignore 11 entirely, I don’t give a damn what your profile picture is, as long as there’s no genitalia it’s all good.

We live in a constantly updating world, one that we need to accept as normal (otherwise we’ll go insane), the best way to win online is to try your best to be careful with what you put out there. Every now and again go through your various profiles and delete what could be potentially embarrassing. Before posting anything think “would it be the end of the world if my employers/girlfriend/boyfriend/parent/whatever were to see this?” (Note: Being slightly embarrassed is different to being the end of the world.) I know all this is rich coming from me; the girl who has a blog, the girl who when upset will tweet it to the world, but I could be worse and, like in most areas of my life, it’s a topic in which I think a lot about and am trying to improve in.

Basically, you win online by not being a complete stupid annoying little shit (which I guess sometimes is harder than it sounds).

Bread

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I love bread. I love a big fresh fluffy loaf of white bread. There are a handful of people who remind me of bread, right down to the innocent whiteness of the core. Theses people, like bread, have the potential to be so many nice and tasty things, all great, be it a lovely toasted Nutella sandwich or even part of the stuffing at Christmas dinner; there are so many paths for this bread to take, and all of them are just as good, and even if it chooses to take none, it is still fresh and plump and just smells amazing.

And then there are other people; these people are like the common bread mold, destroying the pureness that was once the loaf of bread. You can see it, yes you can see it, who ever your loaf of bread may be (or are, in my case as I have a few) you can visibly see this mold destroying them, making them worse and you want to cut it off. There’s a slight problem though, the only way to get rid of the mold is to hack off the part of the bread that it’s connected to, but the bread won’t let you do that.

The bread is content, sometimes the bread likes the mold there, it doesn’t understand the damage, and who are you to say something? You don’t fully understand the symbiosis going on here, if you speak up you’re basically some out-of-place bitch. No fancy metaphor here: you’re just a bitch.

Other times though, the bread does not like the mold there, in fact the bread may have various different types of mold; not all of them common and none of which it wants, but it’s scared. Scared of change, or maybe it wants to change and it just can’t. It can’t break free.

Visibly watching this mold take over more and more of the fresh bread, watching the potential and the freshness leave and the once pure white get over taken by the monstrous fungus; it’s upsetting, more than upsetting, it’s full on painful to watch. It’s disgusting and you’re watching this and you want to yell “GET THE FUCK OF MY BREAD” but you sit back and you bite your tongue.

At the end of the day, the bread allowed the mold to be there, if and when the bread really wants the mold to leave, then and only then can we help the bread to separate itself. In the mean time we should let the bread be moldy- even if it kills us inside. We should respect other people’s decisions and allow them to learn their own life-lessons, not have us force feed them down their throat.  The bread will be ok, and I guess all we can do is be compassionate when the bread asks and needs us to be. Sometimes bread gets moldy and that’s ok, it’s all part of life.