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The Second Time Your Heart Gets Broken.

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There are some lucky people in the world who have not yet endured the very human experience that is giving another human being your whole heart and watching them not fully accept it, and then eventually throw it on the ground… This of course is the joy of being heartbroken.

Then there are others who experience this pain… possibly enter a state of depression but grow from it and then their next relationship is one that sticks, never having to experience that gut wrenching pain of unrequited love ever again.

And then there are those who get heartbroken another time after that, and again after that… and again and again and again.

I once saw a beautiful article about the second time you fall in love.   I know it’s silly but when I was going through my first serious break-up it was one of the few things that gave me hope. There’s loads of articles about the first time you fall in love, about your first heartache, about falling in love for a second time… But not much about the second time your heart get’s ripped out of your chest, so let me write one.

The second time you get your heart broken… To put it blunty.. is shit. I mean, all break-ups are shit… But it’s shit, so we all agree; suddenly stopping a close connection with someone is shit.

It will feel strangely close to the first time, that deep sick sensation in your stomach, and the fiery pain in your lungs as you try to breath. When the pain kicks in that’s when there will be a quick succession of anger wrapped in denial. I mean… this is not happening.. Not after last time. You are so angry at yourself for putting yourself in a vulnerable position again, for being so quick to jump into love after months (and in some cases years) of getting over the initial heart ache. You’re angry at yourself because you thought you learned… when obviously you didn’t.. and now you’re here.. again… in pain.

After your body settles down, you realize you have to go through all the pain of getting over someone…again. Only, the odd thing is.. you know you will, you’re not left in the same sense of lost despair that you were the first time. You’ve done it before sure, you can do it again. It’s more, you’re not looking  forward to it. You’re not looking forward to being used to being alone again, to finding ways to fill your spare time until the loneliness doesn’t kill you anymore, of having to yet again leave a comfort zone you only just found.

The first time your heart is broken, it’s a shock to your system, you’ve never dealt with this sort of pain, the second time is a shock as well, but it feels way more unfair. You know you’ll get over it though, which is nice, instead of entering a dark depression like last time, it’s more a brief while of painful agony. You know that you’ll be able to move on much quicker than you did the first time.

It hurts. It hurts like crazy. You wonder if you will every actually find a love that won’t leave you feeling the way you do.. and you start to question whether its worth it or not. There are a few different types of people in regards to relationships, some people have no bother being single and having one night stands and being content, and if they happen to fall in love, well that’s great too.

Me? I’m not one of those people, I wish I was BELIEVE me I wish I was. The truth is I am a relationship junkie, I give my heart away too easy to any beautiful person I feel a connection with, and then I end up hurt multiple times, back in a pathetic wailing state where my heart and tear ducts are just far too fatigued. I’m a hopeless romantic and maybe I view life as some big fantastic movie (being a drama student will do that to you) when it’s not. Life is just life, sometimes people stay together forever, sometimes you don’t.

The second time your heart get’s broken leaves you questioning fate. You’re scared… But hey, you got over it and fell in love again. So, it will be all right, at least, I sure do hope it will be.

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Emotional Relapse

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So, I finally took the time to completely clear out my room, it was a big task but it needed to be done. Half-way through sifting  through all my junk I found an old birthday card from my first- well- everything. It was for my 16th birthday. It’s an adorable, (slightly crappy looking) card written on lined paper with “Barry the Mildly Concussed Birthday Turtle” drawn in pencil. In general it’s cute and silly but in the “In all seriousness-s-s-s” section you can feel the love shining through In a selfish way, I’m happy that you were born, cuz I love you and you never fail to light up my life/day/me.

Needless to say, this brought back a lot of emotions. The painful kind, we’re talking tears, the twisting sensation running through all my organs, the desire to just scream, and not to mention the feeling of my brain pushing and cracking through my skull. I thought back to some of our more romantic days, back to little 14-16 year old me. And I wanted it back in a groundhog day like scenario.

The thing is, I used to feel that every god-damn day for about a year, and it upset me that I could be that upset, if that makes sense. It’s like now I’m hurting for  both my current and old self.

I take solice in that I’m not alone. Everyone has something they miss; be it childhood, a parent, a pet, an old friend, a feeling, or, if you’re like me, love. I feel somewhat silly sharing all this personal information, mainly because I chose not to make this blog anonymous so if you know who I am odds are you’ll know 100% who I am talking about, and I’m embarrassed; this should not still be an issue for me.

You see, I was doing great. For the first time in a long time I properly felt happy. I mean truly happy, sure I don’t know where I’m going in my life, but in a weird way I was finding that somewhat exciting. I was single but feeling good about it, I mean really feeling good about it, in fact I was half-way through writing “How to win at being Single” (maybe I’ll edit and post it when I’m feeling better) and it all hit me.

How do you know if you’re over something or someone? I mean I thought I was (or as close as one can get) but after what happened today I’m in doubt. I’m sure I am. No, I know I am, but when something strongly effects you it never completely goes away, you just have to make sure it doesn’t effect your normal every day life. You’ll still feel pain, but you’ll feel “Ok” too, and the spouts of pain become fewer and fewer but you’re still always in danger of a relapse of emotion.

It’s ok to relapse though, in anything, as long as at the end of the day you keep pushing forward. I guess it just became too easy and fate decided I needed to feel overwhelmed, that I needed to have a good cry, that I needed to feel unloved and worthless, just for a little bit.  There are moments we wish we can relive, and I guess pain of knowing we can’t must always follow.

It’s important to have hope, personally I feel hope is the most important thing one can have in life and usually it pays off. Negative thinking brings you nowhere but negitive places. Hope and excitement for the future is the life-force that allows humans to surive through the pain.

Sorry this article wasn’t very witty or well throught out, I’m still feeling pretty shook up, and although this is usually something I’d write about in my diary, I figured I should give this a go. I’ll be ok, I always am. I still feel like shit. But It’ll pass… at least I hope it will. I don’t know How long I’ll feel like this, maybe it’ll just be until I eat dinner, or maybe it will last a week, but I’ll feel the complete joy I was feeling even this morning again.

No matter what’s going on in your life odds are there’s something from your past that is painful, something that is irksome that it still bothers you; deep breath and try as hard to keep that spark of hope inside alive. I guess hope is kind of like a campfire in that sometimes it’s burning bright and you’re making smores and you’re just so toasty warm, but then it starts to die down sometimes, and you panic because you are so terribly afraid that it’s going to completely burn out because it’s getting cold and you’re running out of wood, but once you find some the fire builds up again.

Just don’t let the fire die.